angels_journey

after the week end I've had

2009-12-14T16:37:44Z

December 13, 2009

The emotionally intense Scorpio Moon hits rough territory today, forming stressful squares with four planets in fixed signs that can evoke an irrational fear of change. Although we may be stubborn about holding on to our desires, a surprising turn of events releases us from our self-imposed constraints when the Moon trines shocking Uranus. Communicator Mercury creates a charismatic quintile with Uranus, indicating that a good talk can clear the air.

so maybe it was not so much a fear of change, as it was an irrational social fear. Wow I've never felt that scared to be around people I don't know. It was scary.

I lost a friend today

2009-12-02T16:52:49Z

I woke this AM to a phone call. It was my mom saying that Melissa dies early this AM. I met melissa back in 1997 in Ga. Now I have said that I did not make any friends while I was there. She is part of a large family that I did make make friends with. Granted they were good old fashion mountain folk, but, good people. Melissa helped me through my divorce. She helped me find a counselor when I needed it most. Melissa was in the same situation I was when I met her. She was married to a meth addict and I was dating one. when I left him she left her husband.
Now keep in mind that niether one of us knew the other was leaving their partner. Many years went by and I had seen or heard word of Melissa. Many years later, my grandmother had become bed-ridden. My mom got a home health care nurse, her name was Carline. One day shortly after I left my husband my mom brought me over to Carlines house. Melissa and I recognized each other and started talking. My mom and Carline were surprised to see how well we hit it off. Thats when we told them that we knew each other.
Last year Melissa ended up in a comma, due to a brown recluse bite. We did not expect to see her make it through. About 3 monthes later she was back at home, recovering. I got to spend last thanksgiving with her and her family. Before I left I gave her a great big hug and told her, I loved her. the last time I saw her was at the very beginning of september. Once again I gave her a great big hug and told her, I loved her. SOmething at that moment told me I would never see her alive again.
I can't go to her funeral. I want the family to know that I am with them in spirit, with my arms around all of them.
I will miss you so very much, Melissa

Blue roses

2009-11-25T05:02:54Z

A couple of weeks ago, on a sunday. I kept seeing blue roses. So at the end of the day I looked it up:

In some cultures, blue roses traditionally signify a mystery, or attaining the impossible,or never ending quest for the impossible. They are believed to be able to grant the owner youth or grant wishes. Historically, this symbolism derives from the rose's meaning in the language of flowers common in Victorian times. Blue roses also convey inner feelings of love at first sight, being enchanted by something or someone. The color blue is also traditionally associated with royal blood, and thus the blue rose can also denote regal majesty and splendor. Elaborate use of this symbolism is adopted by Ken Roberts in his book "A Rich Man's Secret". In Chinese folklore, the blue rose signifies hope against unattainable love. [4]

anyway, just say'n...

my spidey senses were tingling

2009-11-20T17:54:48Z

So I cut my hair yesterday... And I love it. Went to see New Moon. It was sex and cheesey all at the same time... My opinion Victoria was not in it enough.
So I'm on my way back to Cliffs to get my car and I look at him and say, "someting, not good, is going on with my family". This was a feeling I got, not something I actually knew. I do this a lot, but this happened realy quick after I said it. I got woken up this morning at about 7am and my brother says..."Mom just found my stash..." the poor thing was in tears. I kinda wish I could say what it was that I felt or saw when I get these feelings. Maybe I could be of some help to someone. But maybe its for the best that I don't know. It may end up driving me insane.

wwwhhhhaaaa

2009-11-13T00:29:31Z

I have been sick for days. Yuck. I think I may try to eat some oatmeal tonight. I WANT REAL FOOD!

ppppphhhhhhhbbbbbbbtttttt!

2008-12-05T03:51:35Z

Well, I'm only still up, cause I'm waiting for my Decongestent to work. If only a little. I was not allowed at pt today. She took some measurements and sent me on my way. If I felt better, the day would have been perfect. Even Robert commented on me smiling even tho I was not feeling well.

Thanksgiving Day

2008-11-28T02:46:18Z

Its been a wonderful day. I got to see people I have not seen in a year. There ended up being about 50 people over the course of the day. I am very worried about my mom. Tho, I am grateful to have her, I dred the day I lose her. She is my best friend and the one person I know that thinks about me every day, come hell or high water. I miss her dearly and can only wish that she lived closer. I am grateful for Robert, he has shown me that not all men (outside my dad) are bad. Tristan has restored my faith in the power of a female friend. Daniel has been a wonderful boy, in the fact that he accepts me and does not resent me for my roll in the household. I am thankful for the safty and well being of my family that I can not be with, I know that I am in their hearts and prayers.

Dancing All the Dances As Long As I Can

2008-11-08T23:13:08Z


Dancing All the Dances As Long As I Can

As heard on NPR's Weekend Edition Sunday, October 28, 2007. I believe in dancing. I believe it is in my nature to dance by virtue of the beat of my heart, the pulse of my blood and the music in my mind. So I dance daily. The seldom-used dining room of my house is now an often-used ballroom—an open space with a hardwood floor, stereo, and a disco ball. The CD-changer has six discs at the ready: waltz, swing, country, rock-and-roll, salsa, and tango. Each morning when I walk through the house on the way to make coffee, I turn on the music, hit the “shuffle” button, and it’s Dance Time! I dance alone to whatever is playing. It’s a form of existential aerobics, a moving meditation. Tango is a recent enthusiasm. It’s a complex and difficult dance, so I’m up to three lessons a week, three nights out dancing, and I’m off to Buenos Aires for three months of immersion in tango culture. The first time I went tango dancing I was too intimidated to get out on the floor. I remembered another time I had stayed on the sidelines, when the dancing began after a village wedding on the Greek island of Crete. The fancy footwork confused me. “Don’t make a fool of yourself,” I thought. “Just watch.” Reading my mind, an older woman dropped out of the dance, sat down beside me, and said, “If you join the dancing, you will feel foolish. If you do not, you will also feel foolish. So, why not dance?” And, she said she had a secret for me. She whispered, “If you do not dance, we will know you are a fool. But if you dance, we will think well of you for trying.” Recalling her wise words, I took up the challenge of tango. A friend asked me if my tango-mania wasn’t a little ambitious. “Tango? At your age? You must be out of your mind!” On the contrary: It’s a deeply pondered decision. My passion for tango disguises a fearfulness. I fear the shrinking of life that goes with aging. I fear the boredom that comes with not learning and not taking chances. I fear the dying that goes on inside you when you leave the game of life to wait in the final checkout line. I seek the sharp, scary pleasure that comes from beginning something new—that calls on all my resources and challenges my mind, my body, and my spirit, all at once. My goal now is to dance all the dances as long as I can, and then to sit down contented after the last elegant tango some sweet night and pass on because there wasn’t another dance left in me. So, when people say, “Tango? At your age? Have lost your mind?” I answer, “No, and I don’t intend to.” Robert Fulghum has written seven bestsellers including “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” A native of Waco, Texas, he was a Unitarian minister for 22 years and taught painting and philosophy. Fulghum lives in Seattle and Crete

I think this is one of the most beautiful pieces of litature. One of my goals is to get back to dancing and this reminds me why.

Making progress

2008-10-10T07:49:24Z

I have made wonderful progress on my knee. Well its not actually progress that "I've" made, rather progress my knee has made on healing. I start PT on monday. I am so looking forward to the pain they have to dish. That pain will mean real progress toward my walking again. Its funny, every step I take no matter how great the pain, I still picture that step with no pain and no cruches. I know there will be some tears along the way but I will endure.
It has been difficult to learn to let someone help me. I have been told to quit whispering, I have figured out why I was doing this. It was because I was uncomfortable with asking for help. I think I am getting better about it; I really am trying.
When Robert got home he checked his e-mail. He told me that switch said he wants to see me when he gets back from Texas. That made me feel pretty good. I have known for a while that I have some triely great friends friends out here, but, its been a very very long time since someone wanted to come see me, to check on me while I'm recovering. Its nice to know that not only do I have total support at home but the support from friends that I've made since I've been here. Its wonderful to feel the power of a greater community, that cares about me. I only hope I can share my true gratitude with the people that care for me.

angels_journey @ 2008-10-08T14:24:00

2008-10-08T18:39:46Z

Yesterdays visit to the Docs was a good one. He told me that what I'm going through is perfectly normal. I gotta say, I'm getting really tired of sleeping/laying on my back. I did not get a chance to go lay in the sun yesterday, but at least I got out of the house. That seems to help me feel better. However, by the time I got home I was exausted. Last night I was awake every 2 hours, but I managed to sleep well in between.

angels_journey @ 2008-10-07T05:51:00

2008-10-07T10:06:18Z

I get to see the Dr 24 hrs early. Thank goodness. I really need the word that all this is just part of the healing process. I just keep picturing myself walkng up the mountain in front of my mom and dads house with no hesitation.(maybe I should be picturing the hill in front of the house 1st, but...) As long as I can see this I have a goal, a reachable goal. Its been 9 months now and all I want to do is, be able to stand up and go without the fear of sever pain. To know that when I go to sleep it will just be my lack of sleepy that keeps me awake. You know its funny, the day after my surgery I thought about the guy in the secret and his vision to walk again. This continues to play through my head. I know my injury is no where near as bad, but it gives me a good image/model to focus on. Its been a very long 9 months. Lets finish this year off right!
Everyday, my gratitude grows by leaps and bounds.

I'm at a loss for words

2008-10-04T09:41:03Z

Ya know, I know I'm loved here. But sometimes it takes something big for someone to know just how much. This is the first time in a decade that I have not felt that I have to do it all by myself. In recent past if something was wrong and mom was not there, it was mine to take care of. No matter how difficult.
Thank you 2 so very much. I really don't know how I would have done this without you two.
(sorry if this did not come out exactly right. Ah the wonders of pain pills and muscle relaxers) ;>)

I know, I know...

2008-09-26T16:40:50Z

Friday, Sep 26, 2008

Cancer

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

You may be licking your wounds today, but the real issue is not about anything that occurs in the present moment. Your obsession now with something in the past can actually block the flow of feelings. Gently bring your thoughts and fantasies back to the here and now. You don't want to miss the good stuff that is right in front of you.

I think this says it all.

Point

2008-09-22T15:13:32Z

Monday, Sep 22, 2008

Cancer

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

You may be quite concerned today that your feelings are not recognized by your close friends and family. But blaming others for their lack of care is a mistake. Whether you don't share enough of your emotions because you are afraid of rejection or you share so much that your disclosures become white noise, it's time to take responsibility for your own role in the current situation.

Once again point taken

Feelings...nothing more

2008-09-20T14:25:34Z

Sep 20, 2008

Cancer

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

. If you want to do something by yourself, you might need to contend with a close friend who feels excluded or even abandoned. Try not to get involved with justifying your choices; just let others know that it's not personal. Be kind in your delivery and beyond that, you don't need to take responsibility for their feelings.

Point taken

frustration

2008-09-20T09:59:49Z

I hear ya sister

I'm sick of being tired

2008-09-19T16:26:48Z

Let me start by saying, Thank you for last night. This girl needed that badly.
I really wish I knew what is going on with my sleep at night. I never relized how batty not sleeping at night could make a person. I never relized how much it effected a daily routine. It was one thing when I wanted to stay up at night, but now to not have control over when my body wants to sleep. HELP!!! Its not you that I'm asking for help, cause I know you probably can't. I hope the Doc can ses that this is something that started very recently and partly due to the stress of not knowing. Not knowing what the Drs are going to say next, what hoop workmans comp is going to make me jump next, not knowing how I'm going to pay for my next med shipment, not knowing how the hell I'm going to afford my health insurance. I know I need to find another job, but I thought I was going in for surgery on my knee and trying to start a new job with all the uncertainties if what they are going to do next with me (workmans comp)...I guess my next step, if I don't get answers Monday is to go to a public defender and see what my rights are.

Working 3-7, what a way to make a live'n...

2008-09-18T17:56:18Z

I'm going into work today-sunday. I'm hoping to see if it helps me sleep at night. The past several nights I have not slept more than 4 hours. These damn hot flashes are killing me. I'll get to the bottom of it eventually. I am however looking forward to work. :>). I also am hoping that this apointment will be the one that gets to the bottom of my knee pain.

My Independence Day

2008-09-15T00:18:25Z

September 13, 2008

Today's Outlook: It's a kinder and gentler day as sweet Venus forms an easygoing trine with the karmic North Node of the Moon and healing Chiron. It seems natural to forgive others now, without having to hang on to old hurts. Letting go of the past makes room for whatever comes next in our lives. Fortunately, the Moon's entry into compassionate Pisces at 12:03 pm EDT further helps us along our spiritual path. There's no reason to hold on to anything we no longer need

Yesterday I celebrated my independence Day from my nightmare of a marriage. And I believe this scope for the day says it all.

Sometimes you just have to laugh @ ur self

2008-08-16T18:51:45Z

I did something stupid. <<<laughing at myself>>> The past couple of weeks I have made a fresh pico. Last week I noticed my hand had a slight sting to them by the time I was done. Not thinking this week, I might need rubber gloves. Not latex, it just goes right through. I get 3/4 of the way through putting it together, I had washed my hands several times... NOT THINKING, uuummm hello, capsicum. This stuff does not just wash off. Now my fingers are all tore up, hehe, :::idiot::: I'm gonna have to let them rest for a week or 2.

Crossfade...Colors

2008-07-29T05:19:21Z

This is not dedicaded to anyone, but this is the song that has been stuck in my head since saturday morning.

Can you feel it crush you
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out
Theres no running away from
These things that hold you down

Do they complicate you
Because they make you feel like this
Of all the colors that you shine
This is surely not your best

But you should know these
Colors that your shinin'

Are surely not the best

> Colors that you shine
Surely not the best
Colors that you shine

I know you feel alone, yea
No one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from
The ones that held you down

They love to save you
Don't you know they would love to see you smile
But these colors that you shine
Are surely not your style

But you should know these
Colors that your shinin'

[these lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com]
Are surely not the best
Colors that you shine
Surely not the best
Colors that you shine

I know your feeling like your lost
But you should know these colors that are shinin' are
I know your feeling like your lost
You feel you've drifted way to far
Did you know these colors that shinin' are

Surely not the best
Colors that you shine
Surely not the best
Colors that you shine
Surely not the best (I know your feeling like your lost)
Colors that you shine (But you should know these colors that are shinin' are)
Surely not the best (I know your feeling like your lost)
You feel you drifted way to far
Did you know these colors that shinin' are

I think this should be my last entry for the night... Maybe I'll rest now.

Lets change the channel

2008-07-29T03:43:25Z

I got home from work and still felt a million miles away. I've withdrawn back in to my shell. It really makes sense... Any crab knows thats the place to seek shelter. No one else can fit into my shell and at the moment thats ok with me. Tomorrow I will change the channel. But I'm staying within the confines of my shell until others can change their channel. I so do not mean for that to sound ugly, but you have to understand this is a self preservation thing.

Don't say it!

2008-07-28T15:26:39Z

I've said it before and I will say it again. Don't say it... Don't put it out there unless you expect it to happen.
I don't believe what I heard and I do not ever want to hear it again. Unless thats truely what is wanted!

Code of Conduct

2008-07-26T22:52:24Z

This is something that was required learning material of me, from a previous Dom. As I live my life day to day, I try to remember this. This is a good way for all to live their life. I have found that if someone can not live their life this way, then I probably don't need them in my life. Granted we all make mistakes time to time...

1 I will always remember that I am a lady or gentleman first and foremost
2 I will always treat others as I would like to be treated by them
3 I will always treat others with the basic respect due any normal human being
4 I will always be respectul of those who have, indeed, walked this path before me
5 I will always withhold my oppinion untill I am fully confident of the facts in my posession
6 I will always take responsability for my actions and accept the consequences as such
7 I will always ensure that my honor and integrity is in good repair
8 I will always take my power from a place of humbleness
9 I will always remember that I do not set the example I am the example
10 I will never discuss community business in the presence or earshot of an outsider
11 The Master does not read minds nor gaze into crystal balls
12 Get over it